When Serial Monogamy Keeps You from Knowing Yourself
How following the expected path from one relationship to the next can leave little room to explore who you are
You got good grades, you did your extracurricular’s, you volunteered, earned a degree from a liberal arts college and read all the assigned essays in your feminist studies class. You even stopped shaving and made sure you wore clothes that were not designed for the male gaze. Then you married your college boyfriend. When that relationship ended, you quickly shifted to focus on finding another man to lock in with. After being inundated with comments about how you, “ Don’t have to worry, because you still look so young”, and “Divorce before 30 is chic! ”… you spend the next 7 years in a series of 18 month to 2 year long only pseudo- serious, placeholder relationships. Each time telling yourself that you can see a life with this person, because he fits a version of your multifaceted personality. You tell yourself that you have so many versions of life that you would enjoy; so what if he doesn't ask you intellectual questions, he's happy with heteronormative gender roles, and his parents assume you all will have kids…you always said you wanted kids right? Afterall, who else will take care of you when you are old and tired?
You convince yourself that everyone has flaws, and you can be too harshly judgmental. Rinse and repeat this cycle for the next three years.
When a Relationship Looks Right but Feels Empty
Not so bad, right? Then why do you feel so empty? You go out on the weekends together, get invited to brunches, parties, and vacations with your couples friends. But why don’t you feel seen, after repeatedly asking, open questions to try to deepen your connection? Have you ever stopped to consider who you are? Why are you so focused on being seen by your partner, and knowing your partner? Have you asked yourself these same questions? Do you show up for yourself in this same way?
Why Being Partnered Feels Like Success
Serial monogamy can feel like a healthy, even successful life choice and is celebrated by society, but it can be just another addiction or escape from confronting and knowing oneself. So often, pursuit of a relationship is deontological. You feel you’re supposed to be in one, driven by fear and a sense of scarcity rather than a desire for genuine connection.
How often, when someone asks if you are in a relationship, do they follow up with, “Are you fulfilled? Do you feel seen and heard? Is your relationship supporting growth in yourself?” Typically they stop and say something like “ good for you” or “aww, I’m happy for you”, and the assumption is you are happy and fulfilled because you have done the deed, you found someone, thank god you are not alone. Now your friends and family are not forced to think about the eventual existential truth that we come into this world alone and we die alone. Most people don't want to actually know the details of your relationship satisfaction. As Charlie XCX says “ Freedom is Oblivion”, or as Tame Impala tells us, “The less I Know the Better”. Folx don’t tend to want to know the details of your relationship, and there is a universally accepted ideal that if you are partnered you are good. So it follows that we wouldn’t stop to consider the process of self-exploration, and self-identity outside of our romantic relationship as a worthwhile pursuit.
The Courage to Be Alone With Yourself
Taking the plunge into singlehood to know yourself more deeply, and developing the capacity to sit in stillness as emotions bubble up to the surface without reaching for a phone, lover, or substance to subdue the mental chatter– is no doubt courageous and daunting, and ultimately something most will never attempt.
Diving into another person is a surefire way to escape oneself. Of course, there is no perfect time to enter a relationship or point at which you know yourself completely; we are always changing. Still, making space outside a relationship to know who you are now can help you cultivate a deeper relationship with yourself. While this can be done in a relationship, it requires clear boundaries. It can be easy to forgo the alone time, and unplanned white space on your calendar when in a serious relationship. Protecting your relationship with yourself requires effort, time, curiosity, and reliability.
How to Build a Relationship With Yourself
So how do you endeavor to create a healthy relationship to self? Like any new habit, start with a realistic goal. Build small shifts into your regular routines, and start with manageable steps towards the life you want. Here are a few ideas:
Schedule “dates” for yourself: Pick a weekly or monthly time to take yourself out: A new gallery opening, a hike, a concert, or even a day to read at the beach. Choose something you’ve been waiting to do, but wanted to have someone to go with. Take yourself . It will likely feel awkward, but practice noticing the thoughts that go through your mind.
Notice how often you default to what your significant other, or friend wants to do. Do your personal lifestyle choices, change with the people you spend your time with? How often are you shrinking parts of yourself to foster connection?
Practice structured journaling, I recommend starting with shadow work journaling prompts.
Start therapy, explore your attachment style, relationship patterns , intergenerational trauma , notice what you might be repeating that doesn't serve you and what parts of your lineage you want to continue and foster. Therapy can be a great non-biased way to explore your relationships and yourself. With the right therapist, it provides structure, safety, and an honest and objective mirror to yourself.
Learn to stay Connected to Yourself in Any Relationship
Ultimately there is no “ right” way to live your life and no perfect relationship structure, it is possible to have a relationship with one’s self while in relationship and relationships can be a beautiful place to work on our shadows. However, it is important to consider if we have been fostering a relationship with ourselves and if we are unconsciously using relationship after relationship to hide from ourselves. If you are looking to explore your patterns in your relationships or want support in cultivating a deeper relationship with yourself, I can help. I specialize in helping people explore their relationship patterns and identities so they can live in alignment with their values and get the love they want. Book a free consultation here.
